


Going Back

by Kuji (Amqersand)



Category: Hello! Project, Morning Musume.
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-16
Updated: 2009-06-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 11:56:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/573011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amqersand/pseuds/Kuji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all have things we want to go back and change. </p><p>(Originally posted as a series of one-shots on JPH!P forums)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Going Back

_Dear Ai-chan,_   
  
_How are you these days? Even after all these years, it feels strange to go so long without seeing each. Oh, maybe that’s just my feelings since you must be really busy with work. I’ve been following your latest drama on TV, it’s really addicting. I don’t suppose you can give me some hints on what’s going to happen between you and Matsumoto-san’s character can you? Probably not, right?_   
  
_Lately, since Sayaka-chan’s been studying for her university exams and Junta has finally reached that stage when boys really don’t want to be around their mamas anymore, I’ve had quite a lot more time to reminisce. Though I didn’t expect to have to leave Morning Musume the way I did and I never thought Yamato was the person I’d spend the rest of my life with, I’ve come to realize that I live a really fortunate life._   
  
_Though she wasn’t planned, I wouldn’t trade Sayaka being born for anything in the world. Yamato could have abandoned me but instead he proposed. Please forgive me for being greedy but though I have a lot of happiness, I still feel like there is something missing. When I first received the results back from the doctor, didn’t you say you’d still be there for me? Somehow, despite that promise we haven’t spoken since. I really miss my best friend. So please, if you would write or call one day, maybe you could tell me what I did wrong to lose you._   
  
_Love,_   
_Risa_

 

* * *

 

  
Ai couldn’t believe it. After years of investment, pouring all her earning from various businesses she’d ventured into since leaving Hello! Project into this one experiment, it had been accomplished. She could finally get back what she had foolishly let go of and lost all those years ago.  
  
“Takahashi-san, did you hear what I said? Though the trial was successful, it was only a very short length of time and with an inanimate object at that. We need to move onto animal testing but we’ll need to get approval from plenty of authorities before we can move on.”  
  
The idol-slash-businesswoman shook her head, “It’ll take too long and what does it matter if we lose a rat or a chimp. I’ll buy a new one. Just start the live subject testing immediately.”  
  
Besides, her reasons for this research weren’t anything like the selfless betterment of humankind or anything like that which were all the approval committees ever wanted to hear about. She didn’t have the kind of resources that would be required to bribe them into approval either so she doubted the project would have been allowed to continue if she had to be seeking permission. In fact, if Ai could skip have skipped this testing all together she would but though she was impatient she wasn’t _that_ foolhardy. After all, even though no one knew it yet, even the top scientists she had working on the machine were being kept in the dark, she was the one who was going to be using it in the end.  
  
“But Takahashi-san—“  
  
Of course they couldn’t just listen to her could they? That was the problem with scientists, they think too much and there isn’t enough action.  
  
“Look here, while I know I may not be the only investor in this project, I hope you remember that I am by far the largest individual contributor to your research funds and also responsible for finding and persuading many of the other investors that this is a worthwhile project.” The message here was clear. Ai was in charge. Despite the fact that through her celebrity and consequent management of her earnings that she had made not a little bit of a fortune, this had been a project that she could not fund on her own. Her power did not only lie in her impressive bank balance though but also in her web of other similarly asset-endowed contacts.  
  
“I… understand Takahashi-san. I’ll start the preparations for the tests.” The scientist gave up because a man like him could not stand up to a force like Takahashi Ai period.  
  
(1 week later)  
  
“This is a full report, Takahashi-san. Details for each of the tests are detailed in this file and we believe them to be complete successes although we still have them in observations for long term side-effects.”  
  
Ai nodded in understanding and looking as pleased as the scientist had ever seen her though that wasn’t saying much as she seemed to be in a perpetual state of moodiness. The only times he’d seen her smile was on television.  
  
“Very good, I expect complete details of operational procedures have been included as well?” Surely as she flipped through the pages as she was doing now, she would see that they were. The man was obliged to answer anyway.  
  
”Yes, Takahashi-san… ano… so will that be all for today?”  
  
“Hm? Yes, you may go.”  
  
As the man scurried off from whence he came or more likely – considering it was almost midnight – home, Ai taking only a moment to make sure she had her key-card around her neck, her made her way towards the labs several floors down from the administration levels. As she rode her way down on the lift, numerous doubts clouded her mind. Was it right to do this? How many things could go wrong if she failed to do things correctly and what were the consequences? However, in the end when the bell chimed to indicate they’d reached the basement floors, she was resolute once more.  
  
“I’m going to get you back, Risa.”


	2. When We First Met

Something went wrong. Where on earth was she? Looking around, all she could see were trees, shrubs and dirt. In her tailored suit jacket, striped business skirt and heels, she was undoubtedly out of place in this apparent wilderness. The splashing of what sounded like waves could be heard nearby. _The ocean?_ Figuring that the best way to get back to civilization would be to head for the sea and then follow the coastline until she reached some sort of seaside settlement, she divested herself of two of what appeared to be gaudy thick silver bracelets that were decorated with the occasional flashing lights and packed them carefully into a carrying case with foam moulds to ensure their safety. Checking the readout on the small display built into the case, Ai frowned before closing it and clicking the locks in place. Precious cargo secured, she started following the rushing sounds of water, making slow progress so as not to trip in her inappropriate footwear.  
  
As it turned out, she had only been a little ways away from a well trodden footpath and following that made her journey much easier. It also reassured her that there had to be people nearby. Ai gasped when she reached the beach. Unable to resist, Ai took off her shoes and left the shade of the trees behind to walk on the warm sand and enjoy the feeling of cool water lapping at her feet. It had been so long since she’d seen a view as beautiful and easily gave the days she spent in Hawaii a run for its money. The sun had risen to almost its peak in the sky and the glittering reflections on the water were almost blinding. The water was so clear you could even make out the small fish darting about the shallow shore. If Ai were to guess, the time had to be either late morning or early afternoon. A child’s laugh coming from the distance indicated that she was no longer alone and the small figure running along the beach slowly grew in her vision as the stretch of sand between them was shortened.  
  
“’Baa-chan! You’re slow! Slow! Faster, let’s go!” The little girl yelled with one hand on her straw sunhat while the other waved a small, red plastic shovel at an older lady in the distance who was moving at her own steady pace despite the urgings of her younger companion.  
  
Ai’s couldn’t believe her eyes which had widened soon after the child had voiced her impatience. Even without the trademark pig-tails of her youth, there was no mistaking the high energy that accompanied the high forehead and the much younger but still recognizable features of… _R-Risa?_ It was her, down to the mole on her nose but it couldn’t be. This girl in front of her couldn’t have been more than eight years old.  
  
Having turned around to further encourage her grandmother to catch up, the small girl didn’t notice Ai until she had run backwards into her, colliding with a surprised ‘ACK!’. Catching her out of instinct, Ai got a much better look at the child’s look of panic before she hopped back and bowed so frantically that her hat fell from her head.  
  
“I’m really sorry! Did I hurt you? I didn’t see you there. Are you alright, oba-san? Really, I’m really sorry! Really, really, really!”  
  
Ai couldn’t help it and laughed at the fact that the reaction queen apparently started young. _This is definitely Risa. …Wait, ‘OBA-SAN’?”_  
  
That immediately brought reality crashing back down around the former leader. Something had definitely gone wrong, this was too far back. Not to mention she had never meant to come in contact with Risa, much less an eight year old version of her… even though she had to admit, being able to see her at this age was priceless. Omame was too cute! Then again it was also really strange seeing the woman she was in love with as a child. She still loved her but instead of wanting to do various… censorship necessary things with her, she just wanted to hug the stuffing out of the adorable kid.  
  
“I’m fine.” She did her best to smile, _so close and yet so far_ , while picking up the hat that had fallen during the young girl’s apology and holding it out to her. “You dropped your hat.”  
  
The child flashed a huge smile at her and happily plopped that hat back on her head, “Arigatou!” Ai didn’t know why but she sort of wanted to cry. _You’re happy, right? I thought I wanted to change things for you but I was just doing it for myself, wasn’t I? The only thing that saddened you was me pulling away. I didn’t need come back to fix that._  
  
“You’re welcome.” That was all Ai could say as the girl who would grow up to be the woman she loved was called back by her grandmother and ran off to enjoy the rest of her Okinawan summer.


	3. A Circle is Forever

This was… not the lab and Ai was beginning to think that  perhaps a little more testing hadn’t been such a bad idea after all. She seemed  to have been taken to a shopping district, though precisely where the location  of this shopping district was escaped her. It certainly was not one that she frequented  since she did not recognize it. She glanced at the bracelets, the metal dulled  as the lights showed none of their flickering activity. Well, she could take a  taxi back to the lab. At least she was still in Japan, thank goodness for small  favours.  
  
“Ai-chan? Ai-chan, it’s you right?” A rather startled voice  asked before grabbing hold of her arm. It was followed by a sharp breath and an  apology. “Oh no wait, I’m sorry… you just look a lot like someone I know but  you couldn’t be…”  
  
“Mama, I’m hungry!” The little boy by the person’s side  whined. Ai’s voice got caught in her throat as she quickly recognized the woman  before her.  
  
“We’ll get something soon, okay Junta?” The little boy  looked like he was about to protest, a pout already forming but Risa quickly put  a stop to it in a way that bespoke of motherly experience.  
  
“I’ll take you to Mr. Donut and we can get you a chocolate ring.”  With the promise of chocolate secured through a quick pinkie swear, the boy  nodded cheerfully and hugged his mother’s leg compliantly while waiting. Ai  couldn’t help noticing that for a mother of two, Risa was still extremely  attractive. The former Momusu leader couldn’t stop herself from staring at the  curves that she had always thought suited Risa well.  
  
“Anyway, I apologize. You just really look like—“  
  
“It’s okay.” Ai quickly pulled out of her almost trance and reassured  her, knowing where Risa was going with this but she couldn’t possibly tell her  that she was in fact _not_ making a  mistake and Ai really was the person Risa thought she was… only almost about a  decade older – if the age of the boy still attached to the other woman’s leg  was any indication. Evidently she _hadn’t_   returned to her own time. The stupid machine was years off! Now she was faced  with an image she hated. Risa and one of the reasons for their distance.  
  
Junta. Even at such a young age, Ai could see his father in  his face. There was very little of Risa in it, only his soft brown eyes made  her think of his mother. However, that little resemblance was enough to make it  hard for Ai to be indifferent to the child. What she’d wanted to do would mean  that he and his sister would never exist or cease to exist, could she really  take away Risa’s children from her… even if she would never know? It was  obvious that Risa was a devoted mother. She loved her children even if her  first hadn’t been planned.  
  
Ai considered the day when Risa had told her that she might  be pregnant to be the beginning of the end of her world. Not convinced by the  plastic sticks the pharmacies sold as pregnancy tests, the then leader  accompanied her friend to the doctor and waited anxiously with her for the  results – which were positive. Her worst nightmare. She had promised Risa that  she would still support her as her friend but she knew things were over. There  was no way Risa would remain in Morning Musume and that man had won, he’d sunk  a hook into Risa that Ai had no way to remove.  
  
She’d been against it from the beginning – the relationship  between Risa and Amenashi Yamato. The two had met when Risa’s then Korean tutor  had to quit and she had recommended Amenashi, a half-Korean university student,  as her replacement. On meeting the guy the first time, Ai already had a bad feeling  about him. The way he looked at Risa was too warm and too attentive. He sat too  close and spoke too softly so Risa had to lean in to hear him. Ai despised him  and trusted him about as far as she could throw him, so when Risa finally  admitted to her leader that the tutor had indeed asked her out, Ai had been  livid. She cited UFA  rules, former scandals and the reputation of Morning Musume as reasons why Risa  shouldn’t go through with it.  
  
Risa had gone along with her demands and she and Amenashi  remained only friends but Ai could sense the threat and she was then aware that  it was inevitable that in the future, someone would take Risa from her and  someone else would be the person closest and most important to her best friend.  She found herself not satisfied with Risa’s promise and her assertions that  magazines would make something up even if nothing was happening so Risa should  just get a female tutor again caused them some friction. It was from then that  she started distancing herself, probably an unconscious effort to curb the  dependency she realized she had on her fellow gokkie. Of course this only gave  Risa more time to spend with her Korean buddy and apparently one night the two  had too much to drink and it happened…  
  
Ai didn’t believe it. She couldn’t, she was convinced that  it was all an evil plan by the man to take Risa away – away from Morning Musume  and her. Even after they had received the news from the doctor, Ai had briefly  imagined a future of her, Risa and the baby but it wasn’t to be. He proposed,  Risa accepted and Niigaki-papa and mama welcomed their new son-in-law. It was  too much for Ai to stand and so she threw herself into her work and then went  solo when Risa used her status as a former musume to contact her through her  work and the other members. Yes, she threw away their friendship because she  couldn’t stand that that was all it could be.  
  
“Of course she wouldn’t be in Yokohoma. I guess I’ve just  been missing her.”  
  
Risa’s voice broke Ai out of her remembrance and she hoped  that her spacing out hadn’t been noticed. A long time ago, though more recent,  relative to the time she was in now, Risa often jokingly complained about Ai’s  spacing out and not paying attention to someone speaking to her. Would such a  thing give her away? She worried about what would happen if Risa realized who  she was… but at the same time a small part of her wished it would happen. It would give her an excuse to come clean. Give her a chance to just grab the  woman in front of her and just confess to her everything. That she loved her, wanted her, missed her, craved her...  
  
“You should get going,” Instead she forced a smile, “or all  the donuts will be gone.” A forced joke.  
  
“Mama!” A horrified voice exclaimed, not getting the joke.  Little hands wrinkled Risa’s pants in a panic, wanting to drag the woman away  even though the child probably had no clue which direction the right one was to  pull his mother in for his beloved ring of dough.  
  
The woman that little girl on the beach had become laughed, “Okay,  okay…” Leading the little boy by the hand, she waved her farewell to Ai, the  stranger she’d bumped into. Ai waved back.  
  
“I miss you too.” She murmured to the retreating backs of  parent and child.


	4. Set in Stone / P a r a d o x

In my grandparents house in Okinawa,  which I still visit even though my grandparents passed away when Junta was  four, there’s a picture that my grandmother took of me when I was a child. She  said it showed my character. In it, I’m in the process of frantically bowing to  a woman. In the photo that woman is Ai-chan. Maybe you think I’m crazy since it  certainly sounds that way. After all how could I have met an adult Ai when I  was eight years old when in reality she is only two years older than I am –  that’s impossible. But I’m not crazy and it _is_   possible because you see, Ai has vanished. She disappeared three months ago. I  found out a week after it happened when her mother called me, quite distraught  over her missing daughter. Even though she knew we hadn’t been in contact for a  very long time her avenues in the search were becoming exhausted. Apparently Ai  doesn’t have many friends and none of the others knew where she might have  vanished to.  
  
That evening when Yamato came home, I was almost completely  packed for my trip – I was going to Tokyo  and I would stay there until I found my best friend. Best friend, I really do  think that she is still that to me even though we never talk or see each other.  The friends I have now, these other wives and other mothers… they’ll never be  as special as the friends I made in Morning Musume and none of them could ever  replace Ai. Yamato didn’t want me to go and tried to talk me out of it. ‘ _What can you do? You haven’t seen her in  years_ ’, is what he said to me and he had a point but I couldn’t do nothing.  Then he told me to stay home, Yokohama and Tokyo weren’t that far  apart after all, I could still search for Ai from there but I couldn’t do that.  Staying at home meant too many distractions, too many obligations that would  eat into the time I could spend looking for Ai and I had to find her. I knew  that I was being neither a good wife nor a good mother in that moment but I had  never been rational when it came to Ai. Yamato asked if I was choosing Ai over  my family. I told him I wasn’t but I was. I think he knew that too but he still  let me go, only asking that I come back.  
  
Ai had always been a sensitive topic for us. He said he’d  sensed from the beginning that she didn’t like him and I’d always told him that  she’d warm up to him eventually but of course that never happened. When I had  rejected him initially all those years ago, he’d immediately asked me if it was  because of Ai. There were other reasons too though, Morning Musume and my  career didn’t allow me to have a boyfriend but if I were honest, I would have  to admit that the main reason was because of Ai. Since I met her, she  fascinated me and held my attention more than anyone I had ever met before. The  accent she was always so self-conscious about was endearing, she was endlessly  talented with both dancing and singing and I was completely awestruck by her. My  dream since I childhood was to become part of Morning Musume but I found my  dream evolving into being in Morning Musume with this person. Then for nine  years, I lived that dream until my graduation. Married and with child at age twenty-one.  That was never a dream of mine and when I sleep now, what I see is always the  past. Yamato, Sayaka, Junta… forgive me for not treasuring you as much as I  should.  
  
Staying at a hotel in Tokyo  now reminds me of when I was always going from hotel to hotel. It’s nostalgic but  right now I can’t just run across the hall and see the friendly face of a group  mate anymore. Another thing that’s different is that I no longer have to hide my  face when I go out into the streets. I haven’t been an idol or in the spotlight  in so long that even on the rare occasion someone recognizes me, it’s easy  enough to convince them that they’ve only made a mistake.  
  
Before Ai went missing, she’d been pouring a considerable  amount of capital into the R&D department of Fujiwara Technologies. The  police had already investigated the place of course but it didn’t seem that  they got much from it except that the name of the employee who had spoken to Ai  last and he’d checked out as having had nothing to do with her disappearance. The  security cameras caught her leaving the building with a metal case bearing the  company logo and her car was found at home so it seemed as though she had made  it home that night but after that it seemed like Ai had vanished into thin air.  I got permission from Ai’s parents to speak with the attorney who has been  handling her business since she went missing. With the right papers drawn up, I  was allowed access to Ai’s possessions, including papers that let me know about  a side project she had been investing in. As unbelievable as it sounds, she had  been paying that company to make a time machine.  
  
Of course, a normal person would not be able to accept that  someone went missing because they went time-travelling. That sounded like  something out of the movies but Ai had all sorts of research results and  documents all on this machine that they were supposedly making.  She had papers explaining how to use it and  theories on the effects and physics of time travel. Books, fiction and not on  the subject, filled the shelves of her home. Then, when I remembered that  encounter when Junta was four years old… I started to believe it was possible.  
  
After that, I started recalling more of these incidents  which I had brushed off before. I had my parents send me my albums from when I  was a child and I saw it, something I had somehow missed all this time. It was Ai-chan…  as she should look now and sometimes older… at various stages of my life. There  but always in the background. I had found her, in a way but I couldn’t get to  her. She was even further beyond me than she was before. Does she even still  exist in this time?  
  
Today, I’m returning to Yokohama. If these photos tell me anything,  it’s that Ai-chan is always and always has been with me.  
  
Ai-chan… I hope we meet again one day. If we do, I’ll surely  tell you the truth – that I’ve always loved you.  
  
   
  
  
  


 

~&~  
p a r a d o x  
~&~

  
The diary was closed with a snap.  
  
“That’s a joke right?” Risa asked, after having read the  entry, “It’s sort of creepy and that actually looks like my handwriting!”  
  
“Wait, you didn’t send this to me?” Ai asked incredulously.  
  
“No!”  
  
“So um… about just now…” The leader was fidgeting now. She  had been so elated by the last line that very little else mattered to her,  including the rest of the diary’s entry. It had arrived that morning on her  doorstep, with that particular page marked and the last line highlighted as  though somebody thought that she was incredibly dense and needed to see that  line urgently.  
  
“You mean when you um… kissed me?”  
  
“Yes…”  
  
Risa smiled and took Ai’s hand in her own.  
  
“I’m not letting you take that back.” Risa leaned in to  return the favour but Ai stopped her at the last minute.  
  
“But wait… who’s Yamato?”


End file.
